to take a sparrow

grey ghost wrote:
to take a sparrow,
to fly a leaf, (I agree with the 'takikng control of life, idea of this,)
to live a life
in disbelief I love the begining... It makes you want to continue to read

to make a crane,
to see the light,
the final blow
in the final fight This stanza, however, doesn't make much sense to me.. The thoughts seem sorta like jumbled ideas, though I have a slight idea what it could be

to show compassion,
to wound the storm, love this idea
to dance the dance I agree with the idea of 'To dance with death
and to know the form I get this line, I think. To know the dance form, right? If not, then I feel stupid

to take up sword,
to cut bone,
to take words
and make stories unknown I think this could be shortened up a tad

to run a mile
to take the leap
to be the shepard
of the sheep

to take a sparrow,
to fly a leaf,
a life no more
in disbelief I love the ending.

grey ghost wrote:to take a sparrow,
to fly a leaf,(I interpreted this as being able to control your life. Seeing as how leaves just float unknowingly in the wind. So to fly a leaf means... having control. I dunno. Just my interpretation.)
to live a life
in disbelief

to make a crane,
to see the light,
the final blow
in the final fight

to show compassion,
to wound the storm,
to dance the dance
and to know the form

to take up sword,
to cut bone,
to take words
and make stories unknown (the rhyme kinda goes awry here. you rhymed amazingly in the rest of the poem though)

to run a mile
to take the leap
to be the shepard
of the sheep

to take a sparrow,
to fly a leaf,
a life no more
in disbelief

grey ghost wrote:to take a sparrow,
to fly a leaf,
to live a life
in disbelief great

to make a crane,
to see the light,
the final blow
in the final fight

to show compassion,
to wound the storm, great idea!
to dance the dance try: to dance with death
and to know the form Form of what?

to take up sword, C'mon, enough of those "to"
to cut a bone,
to take...something's missing... words
and make stories unknown verse is too long.

to run a mile
to take the leap
to be the shepard Did you mean shepherd ?
of the sheep

to take a sparrow,
to fly a leaf,
a life no more
in disbelief Sounds perfect, great ending! *claps*

the question is, how do you fly a leaf?

grey ghost wrote:(Hey there ghost! I'm June and I'm going to be your critiquer today! I have to say, I agree with Snoink-- I was halfway disappointed when this wasn't about sparrows! Either way, the randomosity of this poem is playful and could work. )


to take a sparrow,
to fly a leaf, (How do you fly a leaf??)
to live a life
in disbelief

to make a crane,
to see the light,
the final blow
in the final fight

to show compassion,
to wound the storm,
to dance the dance
and to know the form

to take up sword,
to cut bone,
to take words
and make stories unknown (This line dragged a little bit!)

to run a mile
to take the leap
to be the shepard
of the sheep

to take a sparrow,
to fly a leaf,
a life no more
in disbelief

Look,

I am not a poet. My poetry is wretched. I could try something for ya, but I'd rather spare you. I really have no idea of what I could help critique more to you than, awesome job! I picked up many different understandings from this. I don't know if they're right, but just because the name says something about a Sparrow doesn't mean anything. Things aren't always what they seem. I really enjoyed this because if just made me look deeper and find the true point you were getting at.

Keep up the good work! (am I sounding like a coach yet? Overly enthustiastic?)

Yeah....

PEACE,

La Reina.

Ghost,

I liked it. I think I derived my own meaning from it though... I'm not sure if my interpretation was what you were aiming at.

I guessed that you were talking about a lifetime, and someones journey through it. "Living in disbelief", then gaining all these different experiences and realizing what life is about. (Or realizing how fun it can be. I guess.)

So...Nothing to really critique here...well done.



And I think Snoink was disappointed because it wasn't all about birds.

_Clue.

To critique a poem
To stare at it
To think about
the lip I bit

The broken images
are very random
a spool of thread
a place for tandems

How can you write
A piece like this
and have it not
make any sense?

Okay, so I clicked this because I love sparrows! Why? Um... I love birds? Anyway! I was slightly disappointed with this. There are a bunch of random images here that really don't make sense together, except they're connected with a rhyming scheme. So... to fix this up, I would probably center on one idea and then expand on that. Being the bird lover I am, I would suggest sticking with the sparrow image, but I'm biased. In any case, don't just randomly make a list of actions! That really isn't poetry. Poetry is made when the poet is delighted by words and how they slide together.

Hope this helps!